Dearest Reflux…

Dearest Reflux,

I know I’ve written to you before but you didn’t seem to listen. You’re still here, still hanging around, still driving us all crazy.

I’ve tried so hard to be patient; we’ve seen doctors, cranial osteopaths, feeding clinic co-ordinatiors, we’ve tried two different kinds of meds, we’ve moved to baby led weaning. We’ve listened, we’ve taken advice, we’ve changed our lives.

And it’s not been in vain. Our days are better, so much better. I love seeing him laugh and play. I love watching him crawl, seeing him delight in everything around him. I love that he’s freer than he was. I love that during the day he’s him again, my boy, my precious boy.

But then night falls and I remember that you are here. You still wake our baby from his sleep. You make him cry, scream in pain. You turn my happy smiley boy, into someone altogether different. You make him fight his feeds and push me away, you make him arch his back, you make him sob.

I hate you. I hate you so much. I hate that you’re still here torturing him. I hate that you’re keeping him awake. I hate that you’re making me resent him when I try to settle him for the 20th time in a row, I hate that I’m too tired to enjoy him. I hate that my tiredness is making me so irrationally grumpy with anyone and everyone who dares to breathe.

But it’s ok. We will survive. We have another plan. Another strategy in our fight to beat you. Because we will win this battle. We’ve cut out so much from our diets, but now we’re going to try dairy. And when I say we, I do mean we. We’re still breastfeeding, you made it hard, oh so hard at times, but we beat you. Together we learnt, me and my little man together. So we’re in this together too. The hot chocolate will be ditched, and so will the brownies. Because he is worth it. Because I love him to the moon and back again. And because I want you to go. I need you to go.

So please Reflux, please, if you are listening, let this be the answer. I’m ready to stop being a detective and concentrate on just being a mummy. I’m ready to cuddle my little boy to sleep, without dreading he’ll wake in pain, I’m ready to put my head on a pillow and sleep for longer than twenty minutes in a row, I’m ready for us both to be free.

What do you say, will you give it a chance, let us just try?

Yours

Mummy

Follow:

9 Comments

  1. Pingback: Dear Reflux…
  2. Hannah
    December 1, 2016 / 1:56 pm

    Just came across this page and the reflux articles caught my eye. sure you’ve had more advice than you need already but for what it’s worth….my daughter had chronic reflux and colic for her first 6-7 months. We tried EVERYTHING and spent £100s on every herbal remedy/therapy going. Literally tried everything including getting a tongue tie cut. I tried cutting out dairy and it helped abit but not enough. I tried cutting out various other food groups. After 6 months of constant crying amd very little sleep we were desperate and went to see a private paediatrician. He suggested she had multiple allergies and tried us on a hypo-allergenic formula. Within a couple of days she was like a different baby. I was sad to stop breastfeeding but the difference in my baby was like black and white. Still makes me sad that she suffered for so long before we realised. Discovered during weaning that she had severe allergy to soya as well as all cows milk protein products. She’s now 2 and can eat cheese and yoghurt and everything aside from drinking cows milk. Just wanted to say as it might help……and when I gave up dairy I substituted with soya which made her react even worse (we ended up in hospital she was so ill) so be careful! and good luck. It’s heartbreaking and exhausting.

    • December 1, 2016 / 10:24 pm

      Thank you so much for taking the time to write that. I appreciate it hugely. I suspect we are also looking a multiple allergies and it would in many ways make so much sense to bottle feed. We even tried to for a couple of months, but he struggles with swallowing (we’re not sure if it’s linked to the reflux or not) and became traumatised by the bottle. He now puts it in his mouth but refuses to suck. I’m so glad your little one is doing well, it’s given me so much hope. Thank you x

  3. December 1, 2016 / 2:04 pm

    Ahh I loved this. I always said that I should have written a diary/blog about reflux if I had been sane enough at the time. I felt like I was a reflux/sleep deprivation expert! It went on for 18 months in our case..and then we had a diagnosis of autism. We went from joy to joy! X

    • December 1, 2016 / 10:15 pm

      My eldest has autism and I now I know about silent reflux I often wonder if she was suffering from it too. She prepared me for the sleep deprivation I think, though it took me nine years to brave it again x

  4. December 1, 2016 / 8:30 pm

    Ooof, my daughter had reflux and it is hard. I dreaded them telling me to cut out dairy but luckily for us she grew out of it. It definitely effected her growth and weaning though. Keep going and remember you’ve got this. Thanks for linking up to #nofilter

    • December 1, 2016 / 8:38 pm

      Thanks so much. I hope so much he does grow out of it, I really appreciate you commenting x

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *