Being A Mum Is Lonely

This week Number One has been away, and with her our structure.

As a second time mum, there are many things that are easier. But perhaps the one I hadn’t really thought about until now, is that the second time around being a mum is considerably less lonely.

I had forgotten that no matter how much you love your baby or toddler, spending the whole day with a being whose communication skills are limited, is both lonely and isolating.

With an older child around, it’s a feeling that doesn’t arise in the same way. Partly because you are so busy dashing between the two of them. But also because even when the elder child isn’t present, they define the structure of your day.

In term time our day is marked by the school routine. We bustle around in the morning, getting ready together. Then chat to mums at the school gate, and rush home to fit in Number Two’s nap before lunch. We eat and play for a while, or meet friends. But before we know it, it’s time to head back to school for a spot more adult conversation before we head home together as a family.

I love the time I have alone with Number Two during the day and often worry that life is too rushed. Or that his nap schedule is dictated by his sister’s needs rather than his own.

But this week has shown me just how much he (and I) benefit from her presence. Not only because we love her. But because in conversational terms having her is like having another adult. She gives a balance that wasn’t there, the first time I became a mum.

I miss her not only because she is her. But because our world is emptier without her in it.

It has also forced me to remember a problem with the system that I had long since forgotten. The fact that during school holidays the baby groups suddenly disappear.

As a second time mum, it isn’t something that has affected me. I enjoy having both children at home together, going out for days or even just relaxing at home as a family. But I remember all too well that as a single mum when I had Number One, that that wasn’t always the case.

In those days I dreaded school holidays with a passion. Our days seemed endless.

They had no form or structure and I could go days without speaking to another human being. I remember feeling aggrieved that people thought that just because other people’s children weren’t at school, it was somehow supposed to mean that my daughter (and I) didn’t need to socialise.

It seems that nine years on very little has changed. The world still stops for school holidays.

And whether you think that’s right or wrong, whether it works for you or doesn’t, the reality is that it means that for millions of mums out there life suddenly gets very lonely.

And that can’t possibly be a good thing.

For them or their children.

 

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36 Comments

  1. Reply

    Tamsin | Eco Fluffy Mama

    August 10, 2017

    I never knew it was possible to be lonely as a Mum until I had my son. Sending love your way x

    • Reply

      Mummy Times Two

      August 11, 2017

      And to you x

  2. Reply

    Rebecca

    August 10, 2017

    I completely agree with this, both with feeling less lonely when having two children, and the absence of baby groups in the holidays! I try not to rely on baby groups now as there aren’t many on on the days when I’m not working anyway, so getting used to the loneliness rather than solving it!

    • Reply

      Mummy Times Two

      August 11, 2017

      Bless you, I definitely go to fewer than wish my first, partly because of work too. I hope you find ones that work for you soon x

  3. Reply

    Jenny

    August 10, 2017

    I remember those feelings but I still find holidays lonely. I have a 5 and 7 year old – not really the best conversationalists!

    • Reply

      Mummy Times Two

      August 11, 2017

      My eldest is nine, it definitely gets easier x

  4. Reply

    Baby Isabella

    August 10, 2017

    Next summer holidays is going to be a test for my mummy. She remembers the endless days of maternity leave, at least she can have a conversation with me now!

    • Reply

      Mummy Times Two

      August 11, 2017

      Having a conversation definitely makes things much easier x

  5. Reply

    Fatima

    August 10, 2017

    I agree that moms become lonely because after giving birth, I had to quit my job to take care of my son and I really miss working! Hoping to resume after he joins nursery.

    • Reply

      Mummy Times Two

      August 11, 2017

      It can be really hard not having some adult company x

  6. Reply

    shelley

    August 10, 2017

    I’ve heard this a lot from my friends who had babies; you wouldn’t think that motherhood is lonely at first. Hope you feel better soon x

    • Reply

      Mummy Times Two

      August 11, 2017

      Bless you. This time around I havemy eldest and wonderful friends, I just remember how hard it was the first time x

  7. Reply

    Helen at 2 Adults 3 Children

    August 10, 2017

    You are so right – Everything seems to stop during school holidays I get frustrated with friends without children and with older children that forget to keep in touch during the holidays – almost like we don’t need company. My 15yo is an absolute godsend these days though. Wishing you a very happy summer x

    • Reply

      Mummy Times Two

      August 11, 2017

      Thank you so much and you. I like you am very lucky this time to have my eldest and will relish having the time off with her x

  8. Reply

    Gareth Torrance

    August 11, 2017

    Whilst I can’t really say anything about how the summer holidays affect things, I can say that my OH gets very lonely during the day when I’m at work and she doesn’t have people to talk to.

    • Reply

      Mummy Times Two

      August 12, 2017

      It’s a huge transition, especially when you have been used to working full time and being surrounded by adults x

  9. Reply

    Lynne Harper

    August 11, 2017

    I get lonely as a Mum often, I find it much worse in the holidays. Term time we have a routine and my day flies in x

    • Reply

      Mummy Times Two

      August 12, 2017

      Exactly, a I think it’s exactly that, the lack of routine which makes it hard x

  10. Reply

    Laura

    August 11, 2017

    I think it’s something every parent feels when they have a baby and it does come as a surprise. With my first I would go for days hardly talking to adults just me and the baby but since having my second and my eldest is older it’s easier

    Laura x

    • Reply

      Mummy Times Two

      August 12, 2017

      I totally agree, it’s definitely much easier the second time around x

  11. Reply

    Louise Smith

    August 11, 2017

    I work from home and often find myself feeling lonely, so I can totally relate to this post. I’ve enjoyed having my 13 year old off school this last few weeks as there’s pretty much always been someone here to chat to (she’s not been out with friends much as she’s got a problem with her foot at the mo and can’t walk very far).

    Louise x

    • Reply

      Mummy Times Two

      August 12, 2017

      It really is lovely having them at home in the holidays x

  12. Reply

    Lilinha

    August 11, 2017

    Little man started nursery when he was 8 months old, so I barely had enough time to feel lonely, but I get what you mean.

    • Reply

      Mummy Times Two

      August 12, 2017

      Bless you, that must have been hard x

  13. Reply

    Dannii

    August 11, 2017

    It can be really lonely. I am really lucky that I met a great group of girls doing an NCT class and we have a what’s app group that we chat in throughout the day and meet up at least a couple of times a week. It makes things so much easier.

    • Reply

      Mummy Times Two

      August 12, 2017

      I totally agree, my NCT group are a huge part of the reason it has been much less lonely for me the second time around x

  14. Reply

    Tanya

    August 11, 2017

    It’s crazy that all the groups disappear in the holidays, you would think they would be more needed during that time to break up the days and give the kids something to do and like you said give lonely parents a bit of adult company

    • Reply

      Mummy Times Two

      August 12, 2017

      You really would x

  15. Reply

    Ashleigh

    August 11, 2017

    I’m not a parent, but I can imagine how lonely it must be when you’re at home with the kids. Big hugs x

    • Reply

      Mummy Times Two

      August 12, 2017

      Ahh thank you. I’m lucky this time around that my eldest is fantastic company x

  16. Reply

    Ana De- Jesus

    August 12, 2017

    Aw I can imagine that being mum must get lonely, especially during the school holidays. I wish that there was not some unwritten code were everyone stops talking to you :/

    • Reply

      Mummy Times Two

      August 12, 2017

      Me too x

  17. Reply

    Erin Ek Rush

    August 13, 2017

    I found it took such a long time and a lot of effort to get mum friends which I found surprising. They keep me sane now though!

    • Reply

      Mummy Times Two

      August 13, 2017

      Mum friends make such a huge difference to sanity x

  18. Reply

    StressedMum

    August 18, 2017

    Being a Mum is lonely and isolating, it is never like on films where you see play dates and outings x

    • Reply

      Mummy Times Two

      August 20, 2017

      That’s very true, it definitely isn’t x

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